I know lots of ways use TFT to quickly treat anxiety conditions but I don’t know of any tapping to get a stubborn person to change their position until they are ready to change. TFT will give relief to under lying traumatic stress or fears of the future that support the world view in which the decisions are made and maintained but this kind of change is not quick. Understanding the power and limits of TFT and what is really the problem being presented by my client makes me a much better psychotherapist.
A woman and her husband had come to therapy to save their marriage. The husband retiring and vowed he would no longer live in a home full of useless, unorganized, and messy stuff. If the marriage were to survive she would have to get rid of all the clutter. This woman insisted she wanted to comply with her husbands demands but she just could not. She was unable to tolerate the anxiety she felt when ever she would make decisions about what she should do and what material should be removed from their home – an anxiety that can be eliminated by TFT. In the first session she was able to eliminate the uncomfortable feeling she had as she planned to separate the useful art material she had stored for years in and around her home. She picked a small area to clean out. In her mind she was making decisions about what would be stored in a cabinet and what would be eliminated. Each time she started to feel some discomfort in her body or became unfocused she would tap and come back on task. As with all TFT the true test is in her day to day reality. A week later she reported she had accomplished the task she had set out for herself without further distress. With the knowledge that TFT can help her with the distress established, we began the bigger challenge of finding the motivation to continue to sort through the years of stuff and organize her life to her and her husband’s satisfaction. It was clear that she did not have trouble focusing and was able to get done what she wanted.
The problem for her was not one of a single phobic response to a specific item or situation; it was about her lifestyle and her relationship with herself and to her loved ones. Why would she want to continue to do the difficult task of sorting through her home? All of us who have had to move know this is serious work involving lots of time and energy. TFT can help eliminate the anxiety associated with decision making and help us live with uncertainty that comes from living in a world where the only thing we know for sure is that change will occur. We can only make the best choice among the options in front of us at any given moment. Once the anxiety is gone the work still needs to be done. People with a hoarding pattern often say they are afraid to let go of something because they feel or think that they will make a wrong decision about what will prove useful next week or next year. Once bad feelings are eliminated the work must still be done and the changes made.
We can think of the motivation behind people’s actions in three large categories:
- people do things because they are following through on the continuation of long term goals or habits
- people do things because they are forced to by external events
- people do things because they have recognized a deeper understanding of their own needs and desires.
The first category is one of gradual, often small alterations in the actions of our lives. The next broad category of motivation for change is a result of external demands forcing us to respond in different ways because the old way is no longer possible. These changes are beyond our control and are not easy to accept but survival necessitates the change in our behavior. Then there is change that happens as a result of a deeper understanding of what it means to be in line with who and what we are. I do something different because it is a better expression of my ethics and aesthetics. From my belief system about the nature of myself and my world and the people in it, along with my education and experiences, I form a set of values. Values are the preferred ways of being and acting that we all create as grow into mature beings. These values are expressed through our aesthetics and ethics. Ethics are standards of right and wrong or good and bad that inform our decisions and actions. Aesthetics are standards of beauty and pleasure that also inform our choices. TFT will not change values. So how can TFT help in making large permanent change in this client’s lifestyle? First we must understand motivation to change will not come from long standing goals and habits alone. In her opinion she has been living quite happily in this clutter for years; it seems to work for her. She sees herself as very much in line with her thrifty and environmental values in not throwing anything out. Her long term life goals and habits will provide little motivation to continue the difficult task of reorganizing her home and life.
To force this woman to change in response to the external demands of her husbands has little chance of working in the long term to motivate a change. She was raised by a demanding, never satisfied mother and an absent alcoholic father. She knows how to just barely do what is required to get by. And she will do the same with her husband, giving just enough to keep the marriage but not enough to satisfy ether one of them. As a motivation to change. this will not work.
What did seem to motivate her to continue to do the work was when she realized that she did not like the way her home looked. As an artist she had developed a strong sense of what pleased her and what had meaning to her. When asked to look at the space she live in the way she would look at a gallery the work to get rid of cutter became important to her. She was willing to make decisions and carry them out with this motivation. In some decision making, anxiety would come up, but this was easily eliminated with TFT. Her confidence improved as triggers related to past traumas from decisions were tapped away. Living to our highest standards of our ethics and aesthetics is often the best motivation for change. TFT eliminates the blocks to making these changes.
How much of her clutter was out of pathology or out stubbornness doesn’t matter in the end. She has made a change in her life to her husband’s satisfaction, to her own satisfaction and to me (her therapist) satisfaction. The more we use TFT the more we learn about how to apply it with patience, precision, and power.
For more about how tapping can help and how to tap instructions please check out my book, No Open Wounds.
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